World of Confusion, Makes My Head Hurt

Do you ever wake up in the morning confused? And I don’t mean confused as in you woke up not knowing where you were, that’s usually after a night of drinking. I mean the confused where you just don’t understand anything, like your feelings or your thoughts. Well if this has never happened to you then…I’m alone in that. Which I have no problem with, so I shall write this for myself in hopes of clearing my head.

Every now and again I get this cloud of confusion that I just can’t swipe away and it gets really bothersome even though I know it will go away soon. The thing about it going away is I never know when it’s going to come back, it’s very frustrating and makes me want to pull my hair out.

Normally I understand myself and all the feelings I have but when I’m under this cloud none of  my feelings make sense. I can’t tell what makes me happy or what makes me angry and it tends to lead me to making the wrong decisions. In the past I’ve tried to fight my way through the confusion but it just ended with a migraine and more confusion. So, now I just go with it, I don’t plan on making big decisions and I just sit back and relax. It is never enjoyable but at least I don’t end up with a headache. This time around it’s a bit harder to deal with since I have a cold but I’m managing. It always works itself out as long as I don’t push it. Here’s to hoping it won’t last so long this time.

Full Bloom

We begin to bud and eventually bloom with good care

Neglected we will fall without the chance of full life

In full bloom we attract so many and brighten up the room

But as more days go by our attraction weakens and the room grows darker

Even with full care we reach a point of inevitable decay

And now our sight makes frowns when it used to make smiles

I Got My Prom Dress!

The first shopping trip for a prom dress was very unsuccessful but this one hit the bulls-eye!

When I went the other day I did not even try on one dress. It was very upsetting. But, it is possible that I set myself for failure since I was prepared for it being an unsuccessful day. Seriously though, there was not many choices at the mall I went to. Macy’s and JCPenny’s  had a very limited amount of choices and when I did find something I liked it was not in my size. There weren’t many dresses in my size, it sucks being super small in every way sometimes.

Today was so much better! The first store I went to was all dresses and I found many choices right away. It was called Group USA and there were many nice dresses that fit me really nice. I was ready to buy one of the dresses but since it was a little pricey I decided to check out some other stores in the mall.

My friend and I happened to pass by this store called Blue One and decided to go inside. Right away, a woman working there came up to me ready to help, she was speaking in Spanish the whole time, which makes sense since I was shopping at Dolphin Mall. We told her that I was looking for a dress for prom and she quickly begins picking out dresses for me asking me if I like them and then she had me try them on. The first dress she had picked out for me to try on was a red dress and it fit perfectly. I loved it! I tried on the other ones but we all knew that red dress was for me. So, I decided to buy it. It was $139.99 but the woman talked to someone and was able to sell it to me for $75. I was extremely happy with my purchase.

After we left the store I went to Aeropostale and got a free yellow V-neck from bringing in a thing I got in a magazine. It’s so nice to go into a store and walk out with a cute new shirt without having to pay anything. I never brought in the things I have received in magazines before, I’m definitely doing it more often now. This was definitely one of the best shopping experiences I have ever had. Great day!

Here is my prom dress:

Prom Dress Shopping

So, I’m about to go out and shop for a dress for prom and now I’m getting anxious because I already know how horrible it is going to be. Here’s why:

#1 I hate shopping. Especially when I’m expected to be buying something. For some reason when I know I can’t buy anything I actually enjoy looking at clothes more. It’s a bit weird. But, I know I hate shopping because if after a certain amount of time I will get a headache.

#2 Being that the item I am looking for is a Prom Dress will make this outing even more stressful because of many reasons. One being that this is like a big part of senior year and that really puts the pressure on me, I feel like I will have to look my best. Two being that I can’t wear certain colors because I wore them to other senior events and I can’t wear the same color I wore to a Prom I went to last year. You would think having gone through buying a dress for a Prom would make it easier, but, it doesn’t. It actually makes it a little harder. Plus, this Prom is for my school unlike the one I went to last year where I knew only my date.

#3 I feel that I will find the perfect dress but then I will see the price. I’m so scared about the expenses. I really hope I can find a perfect dress that is in my price range, these are the times I wish I was rich. Even if I find a dress for a good price I still have to keep in mind the prices of shoes and accessories. Oh goodness just thinking about it makes me want to just not even go to Prom.

I’m hoping Prom will be good, I love to dance which there will be a lot of, and I’m hoping the food will be good, I love to eat. So, I will be off soon, better take some aspirin just in case I get a headache.

Everything Will Be Alright

So, this might be a bit of a babbling post but I’m writing this for my benefit so I’m fine with that. I am very upset right now, with myself and other stuff.

Let me start with why I am upset with myself. I feel like I hurt the people I love too easily, and sometimes on purpose. It is easy for me to do because we share a bond and we’re close so I would be best at hurting them. When I do hurt them, I always feel horrible about it but I really can’t help myself, it’s like I get to a certain point where I just can’t stop pushing the hurt. I have come to realize I usually do it when they hurt me, but they don’t realize they did, so when I fire back they don’t understand.

But, really, there are just some things that really hurt me that I can’t speak up about. I can’t tell them I wish things were the way they used to be when they are a lot happier with how things are now. Which is possibly my reason for hurting them. Maybe I’m pushing them away so we can both be happier. I do feel like things would be better if I were to disappear, yeah they might miss me but they would get over it and wouldn’t be hurt so much anymore. I know I’m being vague but I always feel so horrible when people realize something I thought I hid pretty well. It kind of sucks that everyone sees what you try to keep the most hidden. I can’t help my loving one person more than the other, but I’ve always tried not to show it. It’s really hard to keep it up when the reasons I love one more than the other are pretty clear.

I wish I loved you as much as I love the person you wish you were to me. It pains me that we hurt each other so much, I wish it could stop but I don’t think it will since I haven’t told you my true feelings on the biggest changes in both of our lives for a while. You’re definitely clueless in that area, but I only blame myself for it, not you. I just wish we could both be happy but it’s never going to happen.