So, this might be a bit of a babbling post but I’m writing this for my benefit so I’m fine with that. I am very upset right now, with myself and other stuff.
Let me start with why I am upset with myself. I feel like I hurt the people I love too easily, and sometimes on purpose. It is easy for me to do because we share a bond and we’re close so I would be best at hurting them. When I do hurt them, I always feel horrible about it but I really can’t help myself, it’s like I get to a certain point where I just can’t stop pushing the hurt. I have come to realize I usually do it when they hurt me, but they don’t realize they did, so when I fire back they don’t understand.
But, really, there are just some things that really hurt me that I can’t speak up about. I can’t tell them I wish things were the way they used to be when they are a lot happier with how things are now. Which is possibly my reason for hurting them. Maybe I’m pushing them away so we can both be happier. I do feel like things would be better if I were to disappear, yeah they might miss me but they would get over it and wouldn’t be hurt so much anymore. I know I’m being vague but I always feel so horrible when people realize something I thought I hid pretty well. It kind of sucks that everyone sees what you try to keep the most hidden. I can’t help my loving one person more than the other, but I’ve always tried not to show it. It’s really hard to keep it up when the reasons I love one more than the other are pretty clear.
I wish I loved you as much as I love the person you wish you were to me. It pains me that we hurt each other so much, I wish it could stop but I don’t think it will since I haven’t told you my true feelings on the biggest changes in both of our lives for a while. You’re definitely clueless in that area, but I only blame myself for it, not you. I just wish we could both be happy but it’s never going to happen.
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