Fear of the Dark

For a large percentage of my life darkness has been a huge fear of mine. I can’t tell if has gotten worse or remained the same. I do know that being somewhere that is pitch black, especially all by myself, produces a scream in my throat and the tightening of all the muscles in my body. I will stand paralyzed and close my eyes to the darkness that I can control myself.

I’ve learned to stay away from this type of darkness by having a little light in my life constantly. As a child I had my nightlight always ready to switch on after my mother tucked me tightly into bed, reminding me not to let the bed bugs bite, before she turned off my lamp that lightened up the entire room. I further protected myself with a plethora of stuffed animals. They were my guards. And I always kept my glow-in-the-dark bear closest to my heart.

As I grew I traded my night light to the soft glow of my television screen, and was guarded by only one stuffed animal and a body pillow. I’ve tested myself and attempted to fall asleep without any light. I’ve managed to do this only when I have been extremely exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. Even when I manage to fall asleep in complete darkness I will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, the fear will present itself and I will quickly scramble for the power button on the remote.

I feel I must go into more detail on why darkness has such an affect on me. I believe it’s more than just darkness. It’s actually the combination of darkness and the silence I hear. Without the television on I have no light or sound and can hear every movement outside my windows and throughout the house. Every little sound will scare me because it is unknown. It makes it harder for me to sleep as it makes my thoughts race. What if someone is in the house? Some stranger? Some weird presence? Nothing good happens in the darkness and I hate not being to see the things that make the noise. That is why the fear of darkness really eats me up because it makes my thoughts louder than ever and they can go to some really dark places that I can’t bring myself back from.

The biggest help is having someone nearby. Another room helps a little. But sleeping with someone by my side is the ultimate treasure. Forget an empty house, I can’t do it, just thinking about it gives me the chills. Sleeping near someone makes it easy to handle the darkness because I know I’m not alone. Plus, they can tell me I’m being silly when i share my thoughts on some random intruder coming in to murder us.

I do hope one day I can teach myself to be able to sit in complete darkness while wide awake and not have the paralyzing fear that the darkness causes me now. I believe I can do it but for now I’m happy just having someone by my side.