Captivity

I am bound by words and books.

Stuck inside a social circle. All gaps closed. No escape.

The air I breathe is as fake as the smile across my face.

I must stay clean and presentable, so no nose upturns in my presence.

My aroma must be that of a rose I shall never touch.

I am all chemicals.

Time is no longer mine. It is held captive by those who wielded my chains.

I need the blue skies and bright stars. The soil of the ground holds my nourishment.

I am dying without oxygen from the greenery.

I am dying to be free.

Messy

There is a time and a place.

That’s what parents say to their kids. The thing is some behaviors can’t wait for the right time or the right place. Once in awhile luck will shine and the behavior oozing out of your body faster than a tipped over oil drum will happen in solitude. However, most times it spills out where you don’t want it. Overflowing onto others. It’s too much to stop by yourself yet you try your hardest. The panic sets in as you lose control and start to feel powerless. You see the mess that has come from you but pretend it’s not really there. That it’s all in your head.

All you need to do is ask for help. You refuse it.

Just ask for help.

Open Heart

Everything is still and silent. Avery lay askew on her bed. Her body contorts making it look like a crime scene save for the rise and fall of her chest.

        Thump Thump

Avery’s eyes bolt open to the sound.

        Thump Thump

She sits up, wondering what is disturbing her sleep as she wipes her eyes clean.

         Thump Thump

Her head darts to the door. The possibility that she left something on is the only reason she decides to get up and investigate. She walks out of her bedroom towards the sound.

         Thump Thump

It’s coming from her office. Her steps are noiseless on the hardwood floor as she makes her way to the door at the end of the hall. She enters the room illuminated by streetlamps, the light falling directly upon a foreign box on her desk. It was not there earlier.

         Thump Thump

Standing in front of the box she can feel the beating in her ears. Vibrations cross through her. There is a lock that she is determined to open when she finds a key in her hand.  It’s a perfect fit as she inserts it and lifts the lid with no resistance.

          Thump Thump

Her eyes widen as they take in the object within.

“I just wanted you to give me the key, “ a hard voice rings out.

Avery looks towards the doorway where a tall figure now stood. It steps closer and closer becoming more visible.

“Peter?” Avery asks as the man’s features became more prominent from the light of the streetlamps.

His mouth opens wide, “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!”

Avery is startled awake. She has to shield her eyes from the blinding fluorescent lights of the hospital room. The beeping from her dream continues and Avery quickly stands up from the chair she was sleeping in next to her former boyfriend’s hospital bed. She looks at the monitor attached to his body and becomes entranced by the movement of the lines. Up down, up down, up down.

She realizes the lines are moving too fast. She inhales the room then pushes it all out as she screams for the nurse. For anyone. Quick talking attendants that glide around Avery without a second glance take over the room.

It’s crowded as the hospital staff do their ritual. Checking the monitor. Looking at papers. At a chart. Giving commands. They move around the room, never touching Avery who is statue in the middle of the room. She can’t take her eyes off the man that was her boyfriend. He looks so different, a sea creature with all the tubes coming out of him.

“Peter,” someone whispers softly.

Avery wants to leave but her feet are lead and can’t be lifted. She watches the doctor enter and he gives an order with the wave of his hand as he looks directly at her.

“Peter,” someone whispers again and again. It’s all Avery can hear.

A young male nurse grabs Avery by the arms saying words in her ear that she can’t decipher. He lifts her up a little off the ground once he sees her legs won’t work with him. He sits her in a seat outside the room and pats her shoulder.

“Everything will be okay,” he says with a sympathetic smile.

Avery tries to smile back before he rushes back into the room but the whispering distracts her.

“Peter,” the voice whispers.

A person sitting in a seat across the way looks up and she knows they hear the voice too. She keeps hearing “Peter” and the person just stares at her with crinkles in their forehead. Avery suddenly understands she has been saying his name this whole time.

Little Men

There is a
pounding

deep in the caves
of my mind.
There are little men
with school-bus yellow
hats

and a miniature light
brightening the darkness.
They have pickaxes and hammers,
a wheelbarrow

to store the golden threads
they harshly chip off
my brain.
It is taken home to
their tiny wives in loud aprons that barely cover their
chunky thighs.

I have these two pills, bone white
on my flesh.

I swallow.

Goodbye little men.

When You Get To That Dark Place

Please don’t bury yourself deep into it. I know it seems the easy thing to do but you’re just hurting yourself even more. Everyone has their own way of coping. You can write out your feelings, read a story to take your mind away from your own thoughts, or go to the gym. I sometimes do all three. Lately I’ve been using the gym the most because instead of focusing on my mind I am focusing on my body and I don’t have enough time to let all those bad feelings consume me. Of course it doesn’t always work, but it helps a tiny bit.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with keeping your sad feelings to yourself but when they turn to harmful feelings you need to talk to someone. You may think it won’t help or the person will judge you or every excuse in the book! But in the end you need to share your feelings with someone even if you think they won’t care. People care. Even strangers care. I know I do.

The Corridor

I woke up on the floor of a long corridor. There are doors on each side, all painted white. But then there is one at the end, black as night.

I get up and then stumble. My legs are weak. I find my balance and start moving forward. I walk slowly with eyes focused on the black door. It seems like it’s miles away before I will reach it. I start picking up speed as my legs seem to strengthen. All I see is black even though I’m surrounded by white.

Halfway there I feel the world shaking and pause thinking it’s an earthquake. I soon realize it’s me shaking from excitement and anticipation. Now I’m running the rest of the way to this door and suddenly it’s right in front of me.

I reach for the handle but hesitate. Do I know where this will take me? Am I willing to go through this place unknown? I answer these thoughts as I grab the handle,

Attempt of Escape

I’ve walked this dreary path many times now. I know where it leads and could walk it blindfolded. It’s simple for me to escape onto the sunnier path that is not crowded by over hanging trees that mask it in darkness. Escaping is usually my goal.

Although the path is always the same, obstacles prolong my quest for the sunnier way. Lethargy may hit me and I just can’t move forward. I’m stuck. A tree may fall, trapping me in the darkness along with confounding me as to how to keep going. The long walk on this path sometimes makes me delirious and I become completely lost.

Being lost is always the worst. I begin to think I will never make it out and I’ll be stuck in this place forever. Thankfully I have managed to find light that helped me out but the fear still lives in me that one day I won’t be as lucky.

Delirium

Sweat soaks through our clothes

They cling to us as we run about.

Sun shining, it takes up the sky.

Our feet sizzle as we step onto the street.

 

Gasping for air, wishing hard for water,

We get brought down to our knees.

Heat has made us all delirious

And see a wave of water coming.

 

The water weaves like a snake,

Getting closer and closer.

An iciness touches my toes

I reach down in shock of its existence.

 

Bending to feel was my downfall

As the entire wave hit I fell below

While everyone else floated upwards.

Ears full of water muffled their laughter.

 

Looking up to see if anyone noticed,

I knew my needed help would not be met.

Too tired to reach the top on my own

I sat on the ground and closed my eyes.

 

Everything went black as I embraced the cold.

But my slumber was interrupted by a bright light

Forcing me to shield my closed eyes.

 

Swimming upwards to this light

I reached the top with air and cheers.

Looking up I discovered the light was the sun

Shining down onto me.

This Dark Path

Can you handle this road I’m leading you down?

There are no lights to guide us through its darkness.

We will walk along blindly with the possibility of falling.

I will hold on to your hand tightly but you can let go anytime

And run back before we travel in too deep.

 

Are you prepared for the roughness ahead of us?

Make sure to take strong steps for the road is rocky.

It can get messy and muddy and there’s a chance of getting stuck.

We may get separated along the way or stumble

But I will always be near to help as long as you can help me.

 

Do you think you can take in all the ugly?

Things will be nasty and hard to see on this path.

Your life will be forever changed when you walk through.

It may be a long time before we see the light again

But trust me there will be beauty at the end.

Dare

You tell me to keep it at a whisper

As you reach down for my zipper.

I’m prepared for this dare

Ready to become worse for wear.

 

Pushed down with force

Nature is about to take its course.

Heat consumes my body

This sauna is suffocating me.

 

Even though all is bare

I still come up fighting for air.

Heart tries to escape my chest

Begging for a tiny rest.

 

Persistence to not be the first

Person to lose the dare and burst.

Noise level has passed a whisper

But is not yet loud enough for a stir.

 

You start to quicken the pace

But I can see it all laid out in your face

That you are about to crack

And soon grab onto my back

As if it would take away

From the scream that escapes.