The Struggle

Lately I have been constantly pondering what I should do in my life. This is on my mind since I recently graduated from college with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology.

My plan is to continue with graduate school as that’s the only way I can get a good job in the mental health field.

The only problem is I keep coming face-to-face with the thought of “what truly makes me happy?” I can honestly say I’m completely unsure about the answer to this question.
I thought becoming a clinical psychologist is what I truly wanted but so many road blocks keep coming in my way and I feel unsure if that’s what I really want.

I have been asking myself what I want, what will make me happy and love my life but I come up empty.
I’ve tried to turn to my dreams because I use them sometimes as insight into my inner self but I haven’t gotten anything out of them.

I just don’t know how to figure myself out. I can understand other people and see what makes them happy and see what they want to do in life but I’m not as perceptive of myself. Sometimes I feel like a stranger. I know you can’t figure out your life in a couple months but I hate this feeling of uncertainty. I just wish someone would tell me what to do or what I want because I am so indecisive and I am just clueless.

Attempt of Escape

I’ve walked this dreary path many times now. I know where it leads and could walk it blindfolded. It’s simple for me to escape onto the sunnier path that is not crowded by over hanging trees that mask it in darkness. Escaping is usually my goal.

Although the path is always the same, obstacles prolong my quest for the sunnier way. Lethargy may hit me and I just can’t move forward. I’m stuck. A tree may fall, trapping me in the darkness along with confounding me as to how to keep going. The long walk on this path sometimes makes me delirious and I become completely lost.

Being lost is always the worst. I begin to think I will never make it out and I’ll be stuck in this place forever. Thankfully I have managed to find light that helped me out but the fear still lives in me that one day I won’t be as lucky.

I Started Counseling When I Was 6

I was having problems at school I guess, where I just had trouble standing up for myself.

So, my parents thought counseling was the best solution. My psychologist was someone who knew me since I was a baby so talking to her was pretty easy. The downfall to being so close with my psychologist though was that sometimes I didn’t tell her everything in fear of disappointing her. Eventually it did come out but it took longer than I feel it should have and sometimes I think maybe I wouldn’t have gone through certain things if I lacked the fear of disappointing her.

Anyways I guess I decided to write about this because a lot of the times I feel like I don’t need counseling and a few times over the years I would stop going to see my psychologist. But, every now and again I needed to go and I must say I’m glad it’s always an option for me.

Last year though when I went off to college my psychologist and I knew she couldn’t see me since I was many hours away but we would talk over my winter break. This never happened though. Unfortunately she passed away within my first few weeks away at college and I must say it was the first death to really affect me emotionally.

So, time passed and I didn’t find a new psychologist over winter break because it just slipped my mind. When I got back to school I remembered the offered a certain amount of free counseling sessions to students. I planned on going but I kept getting too busy to make an appointment.

Finally I made an appointment, but it was after a really horrible night and I kind of wish those events didn’t happen yet am thankful for them pushing me to get counseling. My first couple sessions kind of made me nervous and once I came back from summer break I did not plan on going anymore. I felt like I didn’t have enough wrong with me to see them and that I was wasting their time when they could be helping others with more serious problems than me.

Coming back to school this fall I decided to make another appointment though, just to see how things went. It’s hard to get a connection with a new psychologist after going to the same one for about 12 years. I wanted to give this a chance. Now I am going every two weeks and I’m slowly getting more comfortable delving into my thoughts and feelings with this new psychologist. I find counseling is very necessary for me because as much as I love my friends and can tell them anything there are some dark things that I would hate to burden them with.

My parting comment is that you don’t need to have a serious problem to go to counseling. Even if you are generally a happy person it’s just very helpful to go to someone and talk out things sometimes

Gumbo Limbo

Born as a tiny stump,

I have grown into a large Gumbo Limbo.

Although I come close to reaching the heavens above

I still have many years before I reach them.

My skin is thick and it takes a lot to harm me,

But if you constantly pick at me I peel very easily.

My presence attracts many and they find me to be beautiful,

But if too many people crowd me I will not have any room to breathe.

Time in this earth is highly valued by me,

And I hope to reach my full potential before I am cut down.

New Life, New Sister

Life is a beautiful thing. It can be given as easily as it can be taken away. A few days ago I was blessed with a new sister. After 19 years of being an only child, it is something that will define me no longer. When it was first discussed about my mother having another child I was not very agreeable with the topic at all. But as the months drew nearer to my mother’s due date I found myself growing excited and becoming more anxious as the day creeped closer. I would see babies and young children all around me and the joy that they brought just really opened my eyes to what I would be experiencing myself shortly.

It was less than a month before my mother was due and our phone conversations went on as usual, she would just complain how she was ready for her baby to come already. We would laugh and try to work around my school schedule for when it would be best for the baby to come since I have exams to stay on top of. It’s around a four hour drive from my college to my home with my mother so when she made the phone call I had to act fast. Well, the phone call came and I kind of went into shock. I mean I knew what was happening and I went to get my things and leave but it just was not hitting me. I was slowly packing when my roommate walked in and asked what was going on, I unleashed all my emotions after that question. Thankfully she was in better condition to drive the four hours home, which she actually made in two, and I was able to have my freak out and calm myself down before we made it to the hospital.

I didn’t arrive at the hospital on time to be there while my mother was in labor, but neither was her husbands daughters. Plus, the baby came quicker than expected. We finally make it to the hospital and it takes me a little bit to figure out where my mother is but I finally manage to find her. It’s late at night and I have to drive my friend home so I check on my mother and then go to the nursery to see my new baby sister and then leave. When I go back to the hospital the next day my grandparents are there taking as many pictures as they can.

They all ask me if I want to hold her, and I nervously nod because I have a tiny fear of being handed this newborn child. I’ve never held anyone this new before or this small. I sit down and my grandmother passes my baby sister to me. I make sure to support her head as I hold her in my arms. This is my new little sister, Gabriela, and she’s beautiful and has very similar features to me. As I look down at this tiny creature in my arms I am filled with joy to know I will be a part of her life. Even though I will be spending a lot of my time at college I hope to have a good influence on her. A fear of mine is that she won’t recognize me as much as her other siblings because I’m four hours away and they’re four seconds away. I’ll make sure I am a big chunk of her life.

It still amazes me that my mother gave life to this tiny living breathing baby, with tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny fingers, and tiny toes. One day in the far future I might be able to do the same thing.

Full Bloom

We begin to bud and eventually bloom with good care

Neglected we will fall without the chance of full life

In full bloom we attract so many and brighten up the room

But as more days go by our attraction weakens and the room grows darker

Even with full care we reach a point of inevitable decay

And now our sight makes frowns when it used to make smiles

Surrounded By Death

Within this past year I have felt the presence of death in my life to be stronger than in the past. At first  I agreed with my father that I have just been looking for it more, thus, it seems it is in my life more. I agreed with this until this past month when things just kept showing up that either had to directly do with death or represented it. Plus, I know I have not been looking for it because I went through that when my grandfather passed away a couple years ago. I brought my thoughts on this stronger presence of death in my life up to some friends and will also address it here.

It all started with celebrity deaths, which is the initial reason for my believing I was just looking for death more. It’s obvious to many that many more celebs died this past year than the years before it, which is a bit odd. But, during the summer I started to notice that it wasn’t just celebrities but regular people who weren’t famous were dying more. I used to watch the news all the time when I was in middle school 4 years ago and there was never so many deaths being reported; accidents, murder, etc.

But one day a few months ago on an extremely chilly day I just felt death everywhere. Each gust of wind sent a chill down my spine. I told one person about this and they kind of passed it off saying it was nothing and it was all in my head, but I know it is not. I felt death that day and it has come and made a nice home on our earth. Something big is going to happen soon, I just know it and feel it.

I am writing this because of how I have felt death’s presence growing stronger around me. About a month ago a girl I knew died, at 14 years old, we were never close but we were friendly towards each other and also said hello. It made me sad at the time because the way she died was so sudden, a gun went off by accident and she was shot in the stomach. That’s the closest death has come to someone I know, but many of my friends have been attending funerals of people they knew, and I now have 2 friends with dying grandparents. Even my parents have known of more people dying.

Death has shown up in other ways too. One night I decided to watch a comedy to lift my spirits, I wasn’t super happy, and I clicked on Camille, a movie with Sienna Miller and James Franco that Netflix had recommended. It ended happy but the premise was a bit depressing, a young couple going on their honeymoon when they get in an accident and the rest of the movie involved Franco trying to convince Miller that she’s dead and her need to accept her death. It really took me aback. The next day Netflix recommended the show Dead Like Me, a show kind of on modern-day grim reapers, and the show Dexter. I really enjoy both shows but there is death in every single episode.

Maybe I am just more prone to noticing death, but that just makes me sad that society has made me so into death. I recently had a couple dreams with funerals but they usually have nothing to do with death in dreams so I didn’t really think much of it. There was a poem we analyzed today in my English class that everyone knew was about two lovers and their separation but it was a big eye-opener that the first stanza had to do with death.

I have never been scared of death or dying, and I still feel the same now. I have accepted death and know it is meant to occur when it must. I know the death of others will make me sad but I know they have gone on to a much more peaceful place so I tend not to grieve long. This feel that death’s presence has been growing stronger is just something that intrigues me and something I am trying to understand.

Life is Complicated

I’m sure many can agree with that statement.

It’s not really life that is complicated, in my opinion it is us, people, that make it that way. We’re not perfect and there are many, like myself, that get upset when things don’t go the way they want. Today I wanted to get school work done so I could relax and have a free day. Instead I did absolutely nothing and started hating myself for it. I cried for hours and prolonged my not doing anything. I am my own worst enemy and I’m trying to not be like that anymore.

I’m just so lucky I have a wonderful mother to bring me back from the darkness of depression before it goes to far, I don’t know what I’d do without her. Also, her new husband, my new stepfather of 6 months really changed in the way I see him today. I’m finally understanding why my mother married him, he’s a great person. When I was feeling down and ruining his birthday he suggested I go out with my mom, just me and her, because he wanted me happy on his birthday. It really touched my heart.

I went out and saw a movie. The movie? Julie and Julia. This movie made me realize that it’s okay to feel the way I felt today. It’s okay to feel lost sometimes and not want to do anything, everyone goes through it. You just need to find out what makes you happy and DO IT!

Tomorrow is a new day and I plan on waking up feeling refreshed and with a clean slate in my mind, ready to get things done. I know I can do it, and I will. Even though I feel a bit lost right now, I will find my way, no matter what.

Life is complicated…but it’s because I’m making it that way and I plan on stopping that right now. I’m not saying I won’t have another mental breakdown like I did today but I am saying I will try to always remember that everything will work out because I can do anything I want.